30 Day Challenge
Day 1 - Relationship Status
Currently as of the day I am writing this; Sunday April 10, 2011; I am in a relationship. My boyfriend, Benny, and I have been together for two months. We started dating on his birthday, February 9th. We go to the same school but live about 40 minutes apart so hanging out on the weekends has yet to happen which I know is really lame. The two classes we have together at school though both have assigned seats and both we sit next to each other. We talk a lot during class which pisses off Ms. Fredrick and Ms. Coughran. He is my bear. When I hold his giant hands, I feel safe.
Day 2 - In Ten Years
In ten years I will be almost twenty-five. I have no clue where I want to be by the age of twenty-five. Hopefully finished with school, hopefully successful in my chosen craft. I am still undecided on whether or not I want to get married young. The cons of that would, of course, be not finding the right person and/or having that initial spark of promised destiny fade to a dull annoyance. The pros would be that my children would get to know their grandparents, which is really important to me. All my life I’ve been extremely distant from the few grandparents I have still living due to their health problems or blatant dislike for their children. I want my children to have sleepovers and weekends spent at their grandparent’s house. I want them to love their grandparents and not be strangers to them as I was and still am to mine. Anyways, back to ten years from today, April 11, 2011, my ultimate goal is to reach blissful contentment, happiness, and adventure.
Day 3 - Drugs and Alcohol
Now, please, don’t take this as the opinion of an angsty and unworldly teenager. I do recognize that both drugs and alcohol can harm the body but I believe that as long as the user is aware of possible side affect then using is all right. I believe weed should be legalized and that schools shouldn’t try to scare their youth. I remember in 6th grade we had Health Week. We spent the week with each day on a different health topic. Monday was physical fitness, Tuesday was nutrition, and eventually we got to a day themed congruent to that of this blog post. Mr. Migchelbrink told us horror stories about people who tried acid and woke up to rotted brains, how drugs make you see flies that aren’t there, and how abusing alcohol consumption results with your car in the neighbor’s pool. They drill it into your head how these things are BAD. Whereas, in reality, you can try, trip, recover. Partying is good. It makes you feel good. There is nothing wrong with fun. I do not think that all drugs should be treated equally though. Marijuana is wholly different from Meth. Know what you’re taking and know what you can handle. You only live until you die, and you never know when that could be.
Day 4 - Views on Religion
I believe that religion is a very important thing. To some people. I completely understand and support people who hold faith as a high priority and I respect them for it. Faith is not an easy thing to maintain and uphold. But, I personally, do not have a religion. There was a really good quote in the movie Dan In Real Life and it said “Love is an ability.” I apply this to faith. I was raised Catholic, baptized, first communized, educated, drilled, forced. It’s not that I’m choosing to rebel or that I’m waiting for science to prove it, I just really do not feel a call to God. I am lacking the ability of Faith. On the scientific side of the argument, people who do not believe in a God due to lack of scientific evidence are ignorant. The entire message of religion is to believe. God is not a scientific calculation, He is an idea and an idea that some people need in order to get out of bed every morning and I understand that and I do not think they are wrong or ignorant for believing in God. Understand something before you decide to be or not be a part of it.
Day 5 - A Time When You Thought About Ending Your Life
Now, my dear little tumbles who follow me out of the goodness of their hearts. I will not try to hide the fact that none of you know me very well. I am not the kind of blogger to reach out and spill my life story to my followers whether or not they deserve to hear it. Being on Tumblr, you all probably read a lot of notes forged from the deepest corners of the blogger’s depression. Yes, people here like to vent. I am not that kind of person. I keep to myself and try not to impose my problems on to others. Nevertheless, I have accepted the 30 Day Challenge (even if i never post when im supposed to).
Yes, I have thought about ending my life. When I was thirteen… IHADMAHFURSTLURV. Just kidding, lets not make Justin Beiber references here. When I was thirteen, I was diagnosed by a naturopath that I had depression. Now, I’m not sure how much jurisdiction a naturopath has over the medical field but I’m pretty sure its second to none. I didn’t like her one bit but she was the first person I ever told my story to. She was the first person who ever listened. At that point, I was a cutter. Which scared scarred me (lol pun?) even more than it did to my parents the night I tried to kill myself. My plan: run away from home and just keep running until I fall to the ground and die. Today I’m aware of the flaws within my plan. But in the moment, it felt perfect. I was going to run and run and run and cry the whole way there and everyone would know how much I really felt. Back to cutting, I’ve never been the kind of girl to be addicted. I’m far too lazy to have an addictive personality. I would cut with scissors only when I needed to. Only when the screaming got too loud or when the judgements became too over bearing. It was a last resort, but it was still a haven. When explaining this to therapists this is my explanation: [My parents were in control of so much of my life. They dictated everything I did, saw, wore, listened to, was. The pain I inflicted was the only pain I could control]. Only a cutter is familiar with the stinging sensation aroused from when a sleeve or a shoe is pulled over to conceal a cut the day after it is forged.
Moving on, people who know me believe I’m a bubbly person who is fearlessly outgoing and wild. I’m not as dramatic as you all think I am here. “But really there is this secret part of me DYINGGGG to be released which is why i MUSTT cut.” No. My smiles are genuine and my laughs are as well. I’ve accepted the fact that nobody gives a shit whether you’re depressed or not. Society is going to expect that you tuck your problems in and deal with them where others won’t be affected. Sometimes I have days when its almost too hard to get out of bed because the weight of the day, not fatigue, pins me down in my own mind. Through it all you just have to keep on keeping on.
Day 6 - 30 Interesting Facts
I’m probably going to act like I feel really vain for writing this but I love talking about myself in non-pressure situations.
1. My mother and I both have the same middle name.
2. I will try any food at least once. Like seriously, anything.
3. I don’t like it when guys are romantic.
4. In my group of friends I’m always either the Punk or the Ginger.
5. People frequently ask my if I’m bisexual because of how involved I am with the Equality Alliance at my school. No, I’m straight but not narrow.
6. When I was 7 I broke my toe.
7. I feel bad when I’m at mass and the person standing next to me starts singing but then stops singing because they notice that I’m not singing.
8. I have a mental ranking for my friends and its in the shape of a tiered wedding cake.
9. My birthday is April 22, Earth Day.
10. I used to play the trombone.
11. I know how to tap dance.
12. As of this morning, I weigh 135 pounds.
13. I desperately want to be a hipster. But more of the hippy type of hipster. More grunge.
14. I should be doing my english homework right now.
15. My favorite movie is An Education.
16. My favorite bands are Three Days Grace, Blink 182, The Moldy Peaches, Neutral Milk Hotel, Dire Straits, Jefferson Airplane, Nirvana.
17. I honestly believe that I’m not good at anything.
18. I don’t want to grow old. Club 27.
19. I wish I had more friends at my high school but I live so far away that I don’t get to see them often.
20. I hate my neighborhood. And all of the social climbers in it.
21. At my grade school, we had a Field Day every year where the kids would compete in field events like races and long jumps and obstacle courses. It was super fun. I did it 6 years in a row and I never got a first place ribbon.
22. When people ask me who the most influential person in your life is or who your role model is (those questions that are supposed to end in “my parents”) I always say Gabby. She raised me, she gained my affection, she is my best friend, she is the one I cry about at night because I miss her so much. I don’t think I could ever love someone more. I could never thank you enough for everything you’ve done for me.
23. My first cell phone was The Shine.
24. Websites (past and present): FaceBook, Twitter, Tumblr, Dailybooth, YouTube, Etsy, MiniClip.
25. I have a sunburn right now on my shoulders which makes carrying my backpack around very uncomfortable.
26. I skipped half of school today. But not in a badass way, I called my dad to pick me up sick and slept for 5 hours.
27. I started watching Doctor Who to be cool and nerdy, but now I watch it because I’m addicted.
28. A lot of people annoy me. But the people that tend to annoy everyone else don’t annoy me.
29. Criss Angel aka Mindfreak - “Don’t fear pain, it’s the only thing that means you’re still alive.”
30. The only thing I’m truly scared of is dying before I get my driver’s license, experience sex, ecstasy, an event similar to the Sasquatch Music Festival and a life changing experience.
Day 7 - Zodiac Sign
Since my birthday is April 22, I am a taurus. Stereotypically, I should be loyal, possessive, stubborn, gold-digging, stable, balanced, dependable, jealous, patient, persistent, resentful, greedy, and strong.
I do believe and enjoy zodiac signs. I feel that I am accurately portrayed as a taurus to a certain extent. The gold-digging and greed and materialistic tendencies spur from the need to provide. Taurus always feels like it must be in control and care for everyone else. Taurus needs to be needed. The strength and dependability is definitely true. And I have always been very loyal and not understanding of other people’s lack of loyalty. I am introverted and manipulative at times as well, also taurus traits. The possessive and jealous issues are kind of different though. I have commitment and trust issues in a major way and the jealousy is a part of it. I hate feeling jealous. It makes me resent myself, I hate it more than anything. Unattatching myself to people, events, situations has allowed me to avoid jealously and heart ache but has also given me a deep problem with trust. Nevertheless, I do feel that my zodiac sign and I have a lot in common.
Day 8 - Satisfaction
This 30 Day Challenge calls for me to describe a time in my life when I felt most satisfied. Seeing as I am not even 15 and a half, and I have no memories before the age of about 5, my life has not been long. In my 15 years and almost 5 months, I have had little to no control over my life. However, despite this negative introduction, I have had some good times. My most satisfying moment happened this summer with a friend and a bottle of Old English 500. I had snuck out of my friend’s house, I couldn’t convince her to join us although she was invited, to meet up with a friend of mine who I had grown up with. We hadn’t been very close in the years before that but events during the fourth of July brought us closer together. Nevertheless, the two of us were sitting in a ditch by the side of the road in pitch black night laughing and drinking. It was a night where I didn’t have to take care of anyone and nobody tried to babysit me. He didn’t make fun of me when I puked for the first time and I didn’t make fun of his lack of bladder control. He was so easy to be around that it really made me happy. I know that sounds obnoxious and like I can’t think up a better word but happy is the only way to describe that night. Although I was breaking at least two state laws, I never felt safer.
Day 9 - Future
My thoughts about the future are constantly changing. When I was in the third grade, I desperately wanted to be the president of the United States. This was until Career Day (where everyone dresses up as their favorite and most sought after career) where one boy, Max, decided to dress as an assassin and made it his goal to try to kill me all day. After that I wanted to be in the army. That was during what I like to call “The Dark Times.” When my depression was beginning to latch a hold and I felt like I had no role on this planet so why not throw myself in to join the killing machine. Later, I desperately wanted to be a CIA agent. I wanted to go to Russia and write in codes and wear sunglasses and seduce men in to telling me government secrets. Basically a female reflection of James Bond. My next plan was to go to USC Film School and direct humanitarian documentaries. I wanted to go to Africa and Guatemala and document how other people lived. Record their struggles and daily life. However, movies like that would not sell very well in America because Americans don’t want to see poverty, they would rather avert their eyes and pretend as if their Utopia is reciprocated through out the rest of our vast world. Now, all I want is to obtain a bachelor’s degree in anything, move to Europe with my cat who will have a highly ironic name, spend a year in London then move to some lovely town in Spain where I will become fluent in Spanish and have lots of exotic sex with very attractive strange spanish men. Honestly though, we can only hope for the best and remember that the future is not ours to see. Kaysarasara.
Day 10 - First Love and First Kiss
Allow me to preface this by saying I hate this subject. I had one of those lame childhoods where I actually colored rainbows instead of chasing little boys. Therefore, my first kiss was not some cute playground moment I’ll remember and will be proud to talk about. My first kiss was in the 15th theater at Regal Cinema in Bridgeport Mall. It was just the two of us and we watched A Christmas Carol, the version where Jim Carrey is the voice of Mr. Scrooge and the whole thing is spectacularly animated. I was 13 years old. My 8th grade year. I didn’t even like him. It was horrible. Our lips hardly met, it was more like the sides of our faces clashing in a horrible attempt at seduction. Probably the worst kiss of my life. But my major regret was experiencing it with someone who kind of repulsed me. My first love broke my heart, tied it to the back of his car and let it drag on the pavement from 6th to 8th grade. Enough said. Yes, it was middle school, but it was important to me.
Day 11 - Shuffle
I put my iTunes on shuffle and these are the first 10 songs to come up:
1. Mr. Mustache - Nirvana
2. Walking on the Sun - Smash Mouth
3. Fetish - The Far East Movement
4. Ring the Alarm - Beyonce
5. La Vie Boheme - The Cast of Rent
6. Love Buzz - Nirvana
7. Can’t Help Falling in Love - Ingrid Michaelson
8. All She Can See - Dishwalla
9. Sigh No More - Mumford & Sons
10. The Kind of Carrot Flowers - Neutral Milk Hotel
